Distractions of history or defining moments
The news can be distracting at times. But sometimes it needs to be.
When I sat down to write this column a fire was raging in Sonora. I would start to type and then I’d hear more.
My concentration was busted while doodling on the paper on my desk and listening for news of how the fire was going.
It made me think about past events in my life where I was glued to the television, radio or newspaper just to see what had happened. Moments everyone stopped to concentrate on the same event. Distraction from our life but a focus on things that are larger than we are.
Moments when thoughts of self disappeared and the world became interested in something as a collective.
When tragedy strikes, distraction from self is evidence of belonging to the community at large. The memories of these types of events that cause the distraction are ingrained in memories for life.
My first memory of that was when President Ronald Regan was shot. I can remember watching it on the news for days and seeing the replay. That was way before cable had multiple news channels, Internet news and news at the speed of satellite.
The next event I remember consuming my thoughts was the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster. At one point I wanted to be an astronaut; the U.S. v. Russia space race was of great interest to me.
I can remember sitting in the school library to watch the launch and then seeing what happened. The news would show it over and over again trying to diagnose what happened.
Locally, I remember following coverage of the Carrollton bus crash. The story broke my heart, and I wanted to know as much as I could about it.
In another memory, I sat down with my dad to watch the 1989 World Series and remember the abrupt interruption and coverage of the earthquake in the days that followed.
There were many late nights during the first Gulf War, watching the reports come in from the war front. I’d watch the coverage of scud missiles firing through night vision photography.
I also remember the tragedy of the Oklahoma bombing. I was home from work that day for some reason and saw the shocking coverage. I cried for days.
A recent and shocking national experience was Sept. 11, 2001. Who can forget that? I would watch and watch hoping to hear about more survivors. The haunting images of the planes and ash filled aftermath are as clear in my mind as if it happened yesterday. We stayed glued to the television at work and I rarely turned the television off at home.
Then the second Gulf War began, and news came quickly with reporters embedded everywhere.
These moments of historic distraction, though tragic, connect people. They stay in the memory, impossible to erase.
What moments in history have defined your lifetime and stick in your memory? Was it Pearl Harbor, D-day, the JFK assignation, Martin Luther King Jr., the day Elvis died? Go online to www.thenewsenterprise.com and comment on this column to let us know what things have stuck in your mind as history’s distractions unfolded in your lifetime.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
This week's column
Family fun at the beach
I just got back from a trip to the beach at Gulf Shores with my family. As any adventure with my family it was a fun and humorous adventure.
Our days consisted of going to the beach, eating, hitting the beach again and then eating again. I think I ate enough seafood to last five vacations. It was all good, but a crash diet will soon follow.
The Original Oyster House, Shrimp Basket, Mikee’s and Sea and Suds were fish escapes. Cafe Grazie and Villaggio Grille were great Italian, and Cosmo’s was a fun place. I almost forgot Hope’s gourmet cheesecake, yum.
At Cosmo’s they love dogs and had a bulletin board in the back of the restaurant with photos of guests’ dogs. Yes, Boo and Duke’s pictures were left there, and I brought them back cute bandannas bought from the restaurant’s gift shop.
Duke probably could have made the trip, but Boo would have jumped in the ocean and swam all the way to Mexico. He loves the water a bit too much and wouldn’t have known when to stop swimming.
My cousin’s kids were the source of much humor. They are cute kids who enjoy being around “grown ups.”
One morning one of the little boys got up, went into his grandmother’s room and said, “Woman, get up and make me some breakfast.” Coming from a 6-year-old, that was cute. His twin brother was my wave jumping buddy.
My cousin’s daughter would randomly start dancing in her chair at dinner. I’m not sure what you’d call her dancing, but it looked like a cross between popping and a seizure. She cracked us up.
The eldest of the kids is growing up way too fast. They went shopping for school clothes at the outlet malls. He wore one of his outfits to dinner one night and, as a pre-teenager, looked like a budding teen. I think he even purchased some cologne.
Other humor came from my dear sweet mother who decided to go out and play in the waves with my cousin’s kids. One wave knocked her down, and she got so tickled she couldn’t get back up. She just kept rolling and rolling and rolling in the water. The kids are still laughing about it.
On a very cold night I went out crab hunting on the beach with the kids. I think they picked the coldest night to go because the sand was freezing and my feet were numb when I got back to the condo. We searched a long stretch of the beach and found only 10 that night. I think the crabs were smarter than we were and stayed someplace warm.
Many crabs, dragonflies and fish also found their way thrown on sunbathers in the daytime by the mischievous kids.
Unfortunately the trip brought the tragic end to my camera. While trying to get a picture of a stingray in the ocean, it started towards me, and in my retreat to the shore I dropped my camera in the ocean. It was only there a few seconds, but it was enough to kill the camera. That wasn’t the end of my clumsiness at the beach. I also found the perfect shell to make a necklace out of, but it had a little oil on it. I went to clean it in the sink and, as my usual luck, dropped it down the garbage disposal.
There were still a few tar balls on the beach and some oil caked in seashells but not enough to affect anyone. The condo manager said that business was down 65 percent since the oil spill. With all the eating out I think our family may have single-handedly revived the restaurant businesses.
Hardin County was doing their part to help business. I saw at least 26 other people from the area in Gulf Shores while I was there. It remains a popular fall break destination.
Being harvest time, my dad didn't get to go, but I brought him back some fresh seafood so he could enjoy part of the experience as well.
I miss the beach. I could sit out on the balcony and watch dolphins, hear the ocean roar and soak up the sun. The milder temperatures were perfect for me because I’m not a fan of hot summer weather.
No more combing the beach for seashells, no more playing in waves and no more fresh seafood.
I had the great joy of sharing my beach experience with my family and got to hang out with some great kids that are full of fun, humor, love and joy.
Things like that are best enjoyed with family and friends and with them it becomes a richer experience. I’m glad they let me tag along. ,
I just got back from a trip to the beach at Gulf Shores with my family. As any adventure with my family it was a fun and humorous adventure.
Our days consisted of going to the beach, eating, hitting the beach again and then eating again. I think I ate enough seafood to last five vacations. It was all good, but a crash diet will soon follow.
The Original Oyster House, Shrimp Basket, Mikee’s and Sea and Suds were fish escapes. Cafe Grazie and Villaggio Grille were great Italian, and Cosmo’s was a fun place. I almost forgot Hope’s gourmet cheesecake, yum.
At Cosmo’s they love dogs and had a bulletin board in the back of the restaurant with photos of guests’ dogs. Yes, Boo and Duke’s pictures were left there, and I brought them back cute bandannas bought from the restaurant’s gift shop.
Duke probably could have made the trip, but Boo would have jumped in the ocean and swam all the way to Mexico. He loves the water a bit too much and wouldn’t have known when to stop swimming.
My cousin’s kids were the source of much humor. They are cute kids who enjoy being around “grown ups.”
One morning one of the little boys got up, went into his grandmother’s room and said, “Woman, get up and make me some breakfast.” Coming from a 6-year-old, that was cute. His twin brother was my wave jumping buddy.
My cousin’s daughter would randomly start dancing in her chair at dinner. I’m not sure what you’d call her dancing, but it looked like a cross between popping and a seizure. She cracked us up.
The eldest of the kids is growing up way too fast. They went shopping for school clothes at the outlet malls. He wore one of his outfits to dinner one night and, as a pre-teenager, looked like a budding teen. I think he even purchased some cologne.
Other humor came from my dear sweet mother who decided to go out and play in the waves with my cousin’s kids. One wave knocked her down, and she got so tickled she couldn’t get back up. She just kept rolling and rolling and rolling in the water. The kids are still laughing about it.
On a very cold night I went out crab hunting on the beach with the kids. I think they picked the coldest night to go because the sand was freezing and my feet were numb when I got back to the condo. We searched a long stretch of the beach and found only 10 that night. I think the crabs were smarter than we were and stayed someplace warm.
Many crabs, dragonflies and fish also found their way thrown on sunbathers in the daytime by the mischievous kids.
Unfortunately the trip brought the tragic end to my camera. While trying to get a picture of a stingray in the ocean, it started towards me, and in my retreat to the shore I dropped my camera in the ocean. It was only there a few seconds, but it was enough to kill the camera. That wasn’t the end of my clumsiness at the beach. I also found the perfect shell to make a necklace out of, but it had a little oil on it. I went to clean it in the sink and, as my usual luck, dropped it down the garbage disposal.
There were still a few tar balls on the beach and some oil caked in seashells but not enough to affect anyone. The condo manager said that business was down 65 percent since the oil spill. With all the eating out I think our family may have single-handedly revived the restaurant businesses.
Hardin County was doing their part to help business. I saw at least 26 other people from the area in Gulf Shores while I was there. It remains a popular fall break destination.
Being harvest time, my dad didn't get to go, but I brought him back some fresh seafood so he could enjoy part of the experience as well.
I miss the beach. I could sit out on the balcony and watch dolphins, hear the ocean roar and soak up the sun. The milder temperatures were perfect for me because I’m not a fan of hot summer weather.
No more combing the beach for seashells, no more playing in waves and no more fresh seafood.
I had the great joy of sharing my beach experience with my family and got to hang out with some great kids that are full of fun, humor, love and joy.
Things like that are best enjoyed with family and friends and with them it becomes a richer experience. I’m glad they let me tag along. ,
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
This week's column
Too much fun and not enough sleep
My normally boring, humdrum life was interrupted last weekend, in a good way.
I teach a class of 8th grade girls on Sunday mornings at my church and we had a weekend gathering at my house.
The evening started with lots and lots of food. We had enough pasta to feed two armies. The food fest continued throughout the evening with various forms of junk food and candy.
They are a good bunch of girls that enjoy sitting around and talking as much as anything else.
My dogs also enjoyed their visit. Duke, my corgi, got more attention than any dog really needs, and Boo, my rambunctious chocolate lab, even got to come in once in a while for small amounts of time when he wasn’t wound up.
These girls overflow with joy and excitement. It’s almost contagious.
They introduced me to some pop music, most of which I had to admit I never had heard of. They talked about their friends, school and the daily trials of a 13-year-old.
We also played a few games. One of which was truth or dare. One of the gals kept picking dare, which resulted in making her face up like a clown, a strange hairdo and forcing her, a U of L fan, to wear a UK sweatshirt.
You’d think she’d start picking truth after a while, but I guess to a 13-year-old, truth can be more dangerous than a dare.
At around 1 a.m. they decided to watch a movie. Now, I’m not normally a night owl, so I was already half asleep at this point. About an hour into the movie I had to wimp out on them. We had to get up at about 7 a.m. the next morning to be somewhere so I knew I had to get some sleep so I wouldn’t be a grumpy stick-in-the-mud the next day.
I heard the next morning that they headed to sleep at 3 a.m. but they did more talking than sleeping.
We all got up the next morning to do the Clarity Solutions for Women Walk for Life. I expected grumpy faces that would gripe the entire time. I got just the opposite. They got up ready to go and excited for the day. After little sleep, they still had enough energy to walk way ahead of me and get to the destination way before I did.
We hung out at Barnes and Noble and had a fun lunch together, and then the girls went home. Boo and Duke both spent the rest of that Saturday pouting because they missed their new friends.
It took me at least a week to recuperate from staying up late one night. It was one of those “I’m not as young as I used to be” moments.
My point in writing this isn’t just to describe a class overnighter. It’s to encourage you to be active and involved with the lives of young people today.
I, in no way shape or form, am considered “cool.” I don’t have an exciting life. I don’t even have cable. You don’t have to be hip or cool to interact with teens. You just have to show up.
Teens today have more hurts and worries than I could ever imagine having when I was their age. They don’t really need someone who’s “cool.” They just need someone who cares, and anyone can do that.
Take the time to listen to them, they can even sometimes be insightful. You might learn something.
Invest yourself in the lives of teens; they are our future.
And judging by the teens I hung out with last weekend — Mallory, Anne Alyse, Riley and Qarman — our future looks bright.
My normally boring, humdrum life was interrupted last weekend, in a good way.
I teach a class of 8th grade girls on Sunday mornings at my church and we had a weekend gathering at my house.
The evening started with lots and lots of food. We had enough pasta to feed two armies. The food fest continued throughout the evening with various forms of junk food and candy.
They are a good bunch of girls that enjoy sitting around and talking as much as anything else.
My dogs also enjoyed their visit. Duke, my corgi, got more attention than any dog really needs, and Boo, my rambunctious chocolate lab, even got to come in once in a while for small amounts of time when he wasn’t wound up.
These girls overflow with joy and excitement. It’s almost contagious.
They introduced me to some pop music, most of which I had to admit I never had heard of. They talked about their friends, school and the daily trials of a 13-year-old.
We also played a few games. One of which was truth or dare. One of the gals kept picking dare, which resulted in making her face up like a clown, a strange hairdo and forcing her, a U of L fan, to wear a UK sweatshirt.
You’d think she’d start picking truth after a while, but I guess to a 13-year-old, truth can be more dangerous than a dare.
At around 1 a.m. they decided to watch a movie. Now, I’m not normally a night owl, so I was already half asleep at this point. About an hour into the movie I had to wimp out on them. We had to get up at about 7 a.m. the next morning to be somewhere so I knew I had to get some sleep so I wouldn’t be a grumpy stick-in-the-mud the next day.
I heard the next morning that they headed to sleep at 3 a.m. but they did more talking than sleeping.
We all got up the next morning to do the Clarity Solutions for Women Walk for Life. I expected grumpy faces that would gripe the entire time. I got just the opposite. They got up ready to go and excited for the day. After little sleep, they still had enough energy to walk way ahead of me and get to the destination way before I did.
We hung out at Barnes and Noble and had a fun lunch together, and then the girls went home. Boo and Duke both spent the rest of that Saturday pouting because they missed their new friends.
It took me at least a week to recuperate from staying up late one night. It was one of those “I’m not as young as I used to be” moments.
My point in writing this isn’t just to describe a class overnighter. It’s to encourage you to be active and involved with the lives of young people today.
I, in no way shape or form, am considered “cool.” I don’t have an exciting life. I don’t even have cable. You don’t have to be hip or cool to interact with teens. You just have to show up.
Teens today have more hurts and worries than I could ever imagine having when I was their age. They don’t really need someone who’s “cool.” They just need someone who cares, and anyone can do that.
Take the time to listen to them, they can even sometimes be insightful. You might learn something.
Invest yourself in the lives of teens; they are our future.
And judging by the teens I hung out with last weekend — Mallory, Anne Alyse, Riley and Qarman — our future looks bright.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
This Week's Column
'Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile.' - William Cullen Bryant
It’s time again for my annual column dedicated to how wonderful fall is. I spend more than half of the calendar year waiting for its arrival.
I tolerate the cold of winter, take some joy in the spring and suffer through the summer — all in anticipation of the coming of fall.
A week from today it finally officially arrives.
Everything about this time of year is incredible. Our amazing creator saves the most beautiful hues of his color pallet for this season, and I feel blessed to live in a part of the country that gets to enjoy the beauty of it.
As I look out the window I already see some of the trees in the parking lot beginning to put on their fall colors. It’s almost as if the entire experience of this time of year is candy coated in golden tones.
With fall comes the feeling of being a kid again. It’s perfectly acceptable to enjoy a hayride, roast hot dogs and jump into a pile of leaves. No excuses are necessary. Not to mention the appearance of caramel apples and pumpkin spiced everything.
Fall also means it’s time for football and all the greasy deliciousness of game time junk food. Nachos, chili, wings — need I go on. Going to a local high school game or attending your favorite college team’s games is always enjoyable in the fall. It’s too hot in August and too frigid in the winter, but games in late September and October are perfectly delightful.
With the coming of fall there’s also a chill in the air. It’s not so much you actually feel cold, but just enough that a sweatshirt is necessary outdoors. After the warmth we’ve experienced this summer, the arrival of fall is a welcome sign to even the most dedicated summer souls.
When fall arrives, I pull out the apple- or spice-scented candles to enjoy the scents of the season too. The scarecrows and mums take their places on the front porch, and the flowers that I couldn’t keep alive in the summer are tossed away to make way for the fall décor.
It’s also harvest time. An army of combines and grain trucks can be seen across the landscape, picking crops. The fields are emptied and sleep through the winter until the spring planting time arrives.
Some of the most beautiful fall scenes involved a combine in the field with the backdrop of a beautiful sunset behind it.
I’m sure everyone has their favorite season, but In my mind, fall tops them all.
I could go on about this time of year and gush about its splendor.
Already I can smell the chili cooking, feel the cool fall air and smell the sweet autumn-spiced scents just thinking about it.
It’s time again for my annual column dedicated to how wonderful fall is. I spend more than half of the calendar year waiting for its arrival.
I tolerate the cold of winter, take some joy in the spring and suffer through the summer — all in anticipation of the coming of fall.
A week from today it finally officially arrives.
Everything about this time of year is incredible. Our amazing creator saves the most beautiful hues of his color pallet for this season, and I feel blessed to live in a part of the country that gets to enjoy the beauty of it.
As I look out the window I already see some of the trees in the parking lot beginning to put on their fall colors. It’s almost as if the entire experience of this time of year is candy coated in golden tones.
With fall comes the feeling of being a kid again. It’s perfectly acceptable to enjoy a hayride, roast hot dogs and jump into a pile of leaves. No excuses are necessary. Not to mention the appearance of caramel apples and pumpkin spiced everything.
Fall also means it’s time for football and all the greasy deliciousness of game time junk food. Nachos, chili, wings — need I go on. Going to a local high school game or attending your favorite college team’s games is always enjoyable in the fall. It’s too hot in August and too frigid in the winter, but games in late September and October are perfectly delightful.
With the coming of fall there’s also a chill in the air. It’s not so much you actually feel cold, but just enough that a sweatshirt is necessary outdoors. After the warmth we’ve experienced this summer, the arrival of fall is a welcome sign to even the most dedicated summer souls.
When fall arrives, I pull out the apple- or spice-scented candles to enjoy the scents of the season too. The scarecrows and mums take their places on the front porch, and the flowers that I couldn’t keep alive in the summer are tossed away to make way for the fall décor.
It’s also harvest time. An army of combines and grain trucks can be seen across the landscape, picking crops. The fields are emptied and sleep through the winter until the spring planting time arrives.
Some of the most beautiful fall scenes involved a combine in the field with the backdrop of a beautiful sunset behind it.
I’m sure everyone has their favorite season, but In my mind, fall tops them all.
I could go on about this time of year and gush about its splendor.
Already I can smell the chili cooking, feel the cool fall air and smell the sweet autumn-spiced scents just thinking about it.
Friday, September 3, 2010
This week's column
When sitting down to write this column, for some reason I have a thousand whys circling in my head. It’s almost like a “Seinfeld” episode rattling around in my brain.
Some of my whys are funny and some deep questions. But I ask you … why?
Why do I have a land line and a cell phone? How many phones do I really need?
Why does Friday always seem so far away and Monday always seem too close?
Why did that lady in England throw the cat in the trashcan after petting it? That’s just weird.
Why did I cry so many times last week hearing the stories of Vietnam veterans?
Why can’t I remember what I did yesterday?
Why does my computer hate me?
Why can I not remember much of what I learned throughout my education but I can remember all the words to “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire” theme song?
Why is my co-worker, Robert, already talking about ghost stories when Halloween is still a few months away? I don’t like ghost stories.
Why are some people mean to children? I just don’t understand that one.
Why did the lady I called with a billing question this morning give me nothing but attitude? Where’s the customer service?
Why does coffee no longer wake me up during the day, but if I drink it at night I can’t sleep?
Why can’t I get “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire” theme song out of my head? "In West Philadelphia, born and raised/ on the playground is where I spent most of my days ..." Now it’s in your head too.
Why do all the foods that are good for you not taste as good as the foods that are bad for you?
Why do kids have to grow up so fast?
Why do fools fall in love? Oh, wait, that one’s already taken.
Why does my dog think I have to be awake in the middle of the night with him when there’s a thunderstorm?
Why did George Lucas have to ruin the “Star Wars” movies with Episodes I and II?
Why did I dream the other night that I interviewed the Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger was in a wheel chair?
Why is it that I can easily eat in excess, and we can’t feed the starving children around the world?
Why can’t I seem to finish writing my book?
Why can’t UK be good at basketball and football?
Why is it always so cold in the newsroom?
Why in “The Empire Strikes Back” do they start pronouncing Han Solo’s name wrong after he’s frozen in carbonite? That’s always bugged me.
Why do people say Wal-Marts?
Why do the girls in my 8th grade Sunday school class want to bring the 1980s back? Seriously. The music was good, but the fashion? It wasn’t that good the first time around.
Why can’t I dance?
Why do joy and sorrow both end with tears?
Why are The New Kids on the Block still called “kids” when they are all in their 40s?
Why don’t people burst out in song in the middle of the day like they do in musicals?
Why are you still reading this column?
Why?
Some of my whys are funny and some deep questions. But I ask you … why?
Why do I have a land line and a cell phone? How many phones do I really need?
Why does Friday always seem so far away and Monday always seem too close?
Why did that lady in England throw the cat in the trashcan after petting it? That’s just weird.
Why did I cry so many times last week hearing the stories of Vietnam veterans?
Why can’t I remember what I did yesterday?
Why does my computer hate me?
Why can I not remember much of what I learned throughout my education but I can remember all the words to “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire” theme song?
Why is my co-worker, Robert, already talking about ghost stories when Halloween is still a few months away? I don’t like ghost stories.
Why are some people mean to children? I just don’t understand that one.
Why did the lady I called with a billing question this morning give me nothing but attitude? Where’s the customer service?
Why does coffee no longer wake me up during the day, but if I drink it at night I can’t sleep?
Why can’t I get “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire” theme song out of my head? "In West Philadelphia, born and raised/ on the playground is where I spent most of my days ..." Now it’s in your head too.
Why do all the foods that are good for you not taste as good as the foods that are bad for you?
Why do kids have to grow up so fast?
Why do fools fall in love? Oh, wait, that one’s already taken.
Why does my dog think I have to be awake in the middle of the night with him when there’s a thunderstorm?
Why did George Lucas have to ruin the “Star Wars” movies with Episodes I and II?
Why did I dream the other night that I interviewed the Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger was in a wheel chair?
Why is it that I can easily eat in excess, and we can’t feed the starving children around the world?
Why can’t I seem to finish writing my book?
Why can’t UK be good at basketball and football?
Why is it always so cold in the newsroom?
Why in “The Empire Strikes Back” do they start pronouncing Han Solo’s name wrong after he’s frozen in carbonite? That’s always bugged me.
Why do people say Wal-Marts?
Why do the girls in my 8th grade Sunday school class want to bring the 1980s back? Seriously. The music was good, but the fashion? It wasn’t that good the first time around.
Why can’t I dance?
Why do joy and sorrow both end with tears?
Why are The New Kids on the Block still called “kids” when they are all in their 40s?
Why don’t people burst out in song in the middle of the day like they do in musicals?
Why are you still reading this column?
Why?
Friday, August 20, 2010
This Week's Column
It's so hot that...
In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been pretty hot around these parts lately.
It’s been hard to cool off for anyone. Just the other day I found a neighbor’s dog hanging out in my pond to cool off. It was 7 a.m.
There’s not a lot to consider funny when it’s this hot out, especially with no rain and farmers' crops in danger. So, to find some humor in the heat, I searched the Web for some “How hot is it?” jokes.
Many I found were not the type of jokes that are fit for the paper, but here are a few that could be printed.
I’m not saying they’re all hilariously funny. They’re just what I found, and they might leave you a bit cold. Da da da ching. That’s a rim shot, in case you were wondering.
So, how hot is it? It's so hot ...
Today I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.
Potatoes cook underground, so just pull one out and add butter.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cows are giving evaporated milk.
A seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
When the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
All the water buffalo at the zoo have evaporated.
Campbell Soup Company has changed the directions on its cans to "just pour and eat."
The chocolate factory became a milkshake.
You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
Your electric bill is higher than your house payment.
You start putting ice cubes in your water bed.
You realize asphalt has a liquid state.
You keep your refrigerator open just to feel the cool air.
By walking for three seconds you lose 100 pounds.
You keep humming the song, "Heat Wave."
You cancel your Hotmail account because you didn't like the name of it.
Your dream house is any house in Alaska.
You’re not even sure how hot it is because your heat thermometer only goes up to 120.
I hope you brought the champagne glasses because it is toasty out.
And then there are the "It's hotter than" jokes.
It's hotter than ...
A $2 pistol on the Fourth of July.
A firecracker lit at both ends.
Georgia asphalt.
High noon in Death Valley.
A hen laying eggs.
How about ...It's so hot I could spit fire.
Or ... It's hot enough to cure tobacco.
And, finally ... It’s Africa hot.
I’m not sure I know what any of that means, but I’ve heard people say a few of them.
Maybe this will give a little comfort for the crazy heat.
Or, you could just get back inside, pump up the air conditioning and drink a tall glass of lemonade. You deserve it.
After all, with the weather these days, you can break a sweat getting the mail.
In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been pretty hot around these parts lately.
It’s been hard to cool off for anyone. Just the other day I found a neighbor’s dog hanging out in my pond to cool off. It was 7 a.m.
There’s not a lot to consider funny when it’s this hot out, especially with no rain and farmers' crops in danger. So, to find some humor in the heat, I searched the Web for some “How hot is it?” jokes.
Many I found were not the type of jokes that are fit for the paper, but here are a few that could be printed.
I’m not saying they’re all hilariously funny. They’re just what I found, and they might leave you a bit cold. Da da da ching. That’s a rim shot, in case you were wondering.
So, how hot is it? It's so hot ...
Today I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.
Potatoes cook underground, so just pull one out and add butter.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cows are giving evaporated milk.
A seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
When the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
All the water buffalo at the zoo have evaporated.
Campbell Soup Company has changed the directions on its cans to "just pour and eat."
The chocolate factory became a milkshake.
You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
Your electric bill is higher than your house payment.
You start putting ice cubes in your water bed.
You realize asphalt has a liquid state.
You keep your refrigerator open just to feel the cool air.
By walking for three seconds you lose 100 pounds.
You keep humming the song, "Heat Wave."
You cancel your Hotmail account because you didn't like the name of it.
Your dream house is any house in Alaska.
You’re not even sure how hot it is because your heat thermometer only goes up to 120.
I hope you brought the champagne glasses because it is toasty out.
And then there are the "It's hotter than" jokes.
It's hotter than ...
A $2 pistol on the Fourth of July.
A firecracker lit at both ends.
Georgia asphalt.
High noon in Death Valley.
A hen laying eggs.
How about ...It's so hot I could spit fire.
Or ... It's hot enough to cure tobacco.
And, finally ... It’s Africa hot.
I’m not sure I know what any of that means, but I’ve heard people say a few of them.
Maybe this will give a little comfort for the crazy heat.
Or, you could just get back inside, pump up the air conditioning and drink a tall glass of lemonade. You deserve it.
After all, with the weather these days, you can break a sweat getting the mail.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
This week's column
Oh, the things we do
I recently finished writing an article about the health risks of wearing high-heeled shoes and began to wonder why we, as women, do these things to ourselves?
Seriously. Do we realize all the things — sometimes painful — we do to ourselves just to look halfway decent during the day?
There’s plucking and waxing — and I don’t care how you do it, ripping hair off of someone’s face doesn’t feel good. Then there’s the crazy stuff we do to our hair: perming, curling and ironing. How many of us have been burned more than once by a curling or flat iron?
Shaving one’s legs is no picnic either, and one really must develop some skill in doing it just right, especially in the shower.
The torture of all tortures has to be shoes. High heeled shoes are complete torture to the feet. And let’s be honest, they also make us walk funny. First there’s the clomping noise we make as we cross the floor and then the awkward steps we take to try not to break something while balancing ourselves so we don’t fall over. In reality, no matter how tall they make us, is that really attractive?
Let’s not forget the diets. They come in every shape and form and most of us have tried them all. When they don’t work we do tortuous exercising to get a quick result. If we stop and think about it, that isn’t always the healthiest way to treat our bodies.
And some of the fashions we attempt to wear — they’re not comfortable. Skinny jeans only really work on skinny people, which reverts back to the crazy diets.
Throughout the history of fashion, very few trends for women have ever resulted in anything resembling comfort. The flip flop may be one exception and a welcome escape from the high-heeled shoe.
Curling eyelashes, coloring hair, makeup — it all takes effort. Then there are those who go to the extreme and have permanent makeup and cosmetic surgery.
And who are we doing all this for? Do we do it to make ourselves feel better or to make sure we remain attractive to men?
Men have it a bit easier, don't they? Yes, they go on diets, too. But how many women out there have gone on a diet the same time as a man, who, with minimal effort, loses 30 pounds when you’ve barely lost 10? And what about fashion?
Sure, occasionally men have to tuck in their shirts, but how much effort does that really take? For a woman to be considered dressed up, she has to do most of the above — plus put on a fancy outfit. Men just have to throw on a pair of khakis, put on a belt and tuck in a shirt and suddenly they're considered dressed up. Most of them don’t even bother with a tie anymore.
Does this mean I think men should try to do the crazy things we do? Even if just to sympathize? No. That would just be weird.
This column isn’t an attempt to bash men. It’s just me venting frustration about all it takes for a woman — well, most women I know, anyway — to feel attractive.
Will the realization of the torture we inflict on ourselves make me or any of the rest of us stop doing it? Probably not.
I’ll still fire up the flat iron every morning to straighten the kinks out of my hair, suffer through my current diet and pluck whatever needs to be plucked. After all, I do want to feel like a lady at the end of the day.
It would just be nice if there were a few less-painful ways to feel that way.
I'm thinking now would be a good time for a pedicure just to recuperate.
I recently finished writing an article about the health risks of wearing high-heeled shoes and began to wonder why we, as women, do these things to ourselves?
Seriously. Do we realize all the things — sometimes painful — we do to ourselves just to look halfway decent during the day?
There’s plucking and waxing — and I don’t care how you do it, ripping hair off of someone’s face doesn’t feel good. Then there’s the crazy stuff we do to our hair: perming, curling and ironing. How many of us have been burned more than once by a curling or flat iron?
Shaving one’s legs is no picnic either, and one really must develop some skill in doing it just right, especially in the shower.
The torture of all tortures has to be shoes. High heeled shoes are complete torture to the feet. And let’s be honest, they also make us walk funny. First there’s the clomping noise we make as we cross the floor and then the awkward steps we take to try not to break something while balancing ourselves so we don’t fall over. In reality, no matter how tall they make us, is that really attractive?
Let’s not forget the diets. They come in every shape and form and most of us have tried them all. When they don’t work we do tortuous exercising to get a quick result. If we stop and think about it, that isn’t always the healthiest way to treat our bodies.
And some of the fashions we attempt to wear — they’re not comfortable. Skinny jeans only really work on skinny people, which reverts back to the crazy diets.
Throughout the history of fashion, very few trends for women have ever resulted in anything resembling comfort. The flip flop may be one exception and a welcome escape from the high-heeled shoe.
Curling eyelashes, coloring hair, makeup — it all takes effort. Then there are those who go to the extreme and have permanent makeup and cosmetic surgery.
And who are we doing all this for? Do we do it to make ourselves feel better or to make sure we remain attractive to men?
Men have it a bit easier, don't they? Yes, they go on diets, too. But how many women out there have gone on a diet the same time as a man, who, with minimal effort, loses 30 pounds when you’ve barely lost 10? And what about fashion?
Sure, occasionally men have to tuck in their shirts, but how much effort does that really take? For a woman to be considered dressed up, she has to do most of the above — plus put on a fancy outfit. Men just have to throw on a pair of khakis, put on a belt and tuck in a shirt and suddenly they're considered dressed up. Most of them don’t even bother with a tie anymore.
Does this mean I think men should try to do the crazy things we do? Even if just to sympathize? No. That would just be weird.
This column isn’t an attempt to bash men. It’s just me venting frustration about all it takes for a woman — well, most women I know, anyway — to feel attractive.
Will the realization of the torture we inflict on ourselves make me or any of the rest of us stop doing it? Probably not.
I’ll still fire up the flat iron every morning to straighten the kinks out of my hair, suffer through my current diet and pluck whatever needs to be plucked. After all, I do want to feel like a lady at the end of the day.
It would just be nice if there were a few less-painful ways to feel that way.
I'm thinking now would be a good time for a pedicure just to recuperate.
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